You Can't Have What You Don't Have

What more impact? Want to improve your skills? Focus on what you already have.

Photo by Devi Puspita Amartha Yahya on Unsplash

When I ask writers what they want most, they usually say one of two things:

• Become a traditionally-published author.

• Make a living as a writer.

However, after more discussion, I often discover something underneath those desires: most writers want to be seen. They want their words to impact others.

Interestingly, few aspiring writers see the impact they already have.

I asked a comic writer who’s had several successful Kickstarter campaigns what impact she’s had on others.

Without hesitation, she said, “None.”

I pressed her on it, asking if she had any returning backers. Did anyone share her campaign without being asked to do so? Did any readers like one of her updates or social media posts?

“Well, yeah, but…”

I chatted with another author who has several reviews for a book he published through KDP. When I asked about how it felt to impact readers, he said he wasn’t sure if he had any.

So I asked him about those reviews and if any of them were unprompted. Did anyone give him praise without being asked to do so?

“Well, yeah, but…”

Here’s the deal: If you have returning readers, if you’ve received a review, if someone has ever complimented you on your work or your work ethic, if anyone’s ever said thanks, then you’ve had an impact.

Oh, I get it, what you really meant to say is that you didn’t have enough impact.

It’s challenging to truly know what sort of impact you’re having on others. It’s largely invisible. But think about it. When was the last time you told someone that you admired them? Seriously, tell me the last time you told a peer, mentor, friend, or legend, “Hey, you’re pretty great. Thanks for being you.”

You don’t, right? But that doesn’t mean you don’t feel it.

Here’s the thing: If you’re not capable of recognizing the impact you already have, or how much you’ve developed as a writer, or whatever it is that you’re looking for, if you don’t see it already, how do you expect it to become more prominent in the future?

It’s perceptual blindness. You’re failing to see something right in front of you because you're focusing your attention elsewhere. You don’t see how far you’ve come as a writer because you’re focusing on your weaknesses or that goal you haven’t hit yet.

Last year, I was working as a coach with an aspiring novelist. About halfway through his novel, he had a 2-3 week period where he wasn’t submitting as many words each week. And his writing wasn’t as engaging as it had been just a few weeks earlier.

At one of our weekly calls, I could tell he was frustrated. He admitted that he was disappointed with his skills. He wasn’t writing fast enough. His storytelling wasn’t improving. His motivation has taken a hit because of it.

I listened for a bit, then I pointed out the number of words he was submitting each week prior to this little dip in productivity. When I compared his output to the first few sessions, he was shocked to see he was writing almost twice as many words per week.

Then I shared a scene he had written early in the process, and then showed a sample from a few weeks earlier. He remembered the scene right away because he had been really excited to share it with me. He was proud of the way that scene turned out. And I noticed it too. It was more engaging. It pulled me in as a reader in a way his earlier writing didn’t.

After those little reminders, his eyes lit up. His demeanor changed.

And so did his motivation. He felt better about the entire thing, and boom, he ramped up his output a little further, and his writing continued to improve.

Here’s something I’ve learned as an editor, a coach, and a writer: we can’t have what we don’t already have. If you continue to focus on what you lack, you’ll continue to lack what it is you want.

Do you want to increase your impact on others? Start by recognizing the impact you already have.

Want to write better fiction? Start by recognizing (and celebrating) the times you write a strong scene or come up with the perfect turn of phrase.

Let the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon do the work for you. Also known as the frequency illusion, it’s when becoming aware of something makes it seem more frequent. It’s like that time you were thinking about buying a car, and suddenly you see that same make and model everywhere you look.

By shifting your focus to your impact, or your improved skills, or the relationships you’re building in the community, you’ll start to recognize it more often. And eventually, you’ll start doing more of the things that led you there in the first place.

Want to manifest a connection with others? Focus on the connections you already have. Celebrate them. Nurture them. Be grateful for what you already have.

Where focus goes, energy grows.

—Tony Robbins

Maybe this is bigger than writing. Maybe this has nothing to do with writing at all. But it has everything to do with being human, which means it has everything to do with writing.

If you want to impact others, you must start accepting those moments when you do.

Don’t sell yourself short.

Stop looking for more. Stop comparing yourself to others. Accept what you have now, in this moment. If you accept and cherish what you already have, more will come.

Be yourself. Go about your day. Do the best you can. Let others decide what elements of you they find important.

If you look for proof that you don’t belong, you’ll find it.

If you look for proof that you’re not good enough, you’ll find it.

Instead, look for those small victories. Build on them.

Look for proof that you’re valued, appreciated, loved… whatever it is, it’s already there. You just have to see it.

And once you do, watch it grow.

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